ALL I HAD; I FEARED

 

ALL I HAD; I FEARED 

I was raised in a society that equated homosexuality with the worst of all sins. Naturally, that presented major problems for a homosexual teenager. It was important that I present myself as a normal kid. Therefore, in regards to my homosexuality, I had to, hide it, deny it, reject it, fight it, closet it, condemn it, control it, alter it, and most of all, fear it. Fear became my Cult Leader, because what I feared was fear itself. I feared being made fun of as a teenager. I feared being rejected by my friends. I feared the embarrassment it would bring to my family. As an adult, I feared being fired from the job I loved.  I feared loosing the years I spent in preparation for public school teaching. I feared loosing customers in my retail establishment. I feared being kicked out of my church. All I had; I feared. 

Even though I spent too many years living in the closet, I always knew it was not right for me. However, at the time, my mind-set told me it was the road to least resistance. It is terrible to recall how the lack of courage prevented me from standing up for the homosexual that I am, and for other homosexuals around the world. Nevertheless, in my retirement, I plan to make up for the time lost. 

I will never forget the day when I decided to tear down the walls of the closet, burst open the door of restriction, open the windows of freedom, and shout to the world, “I am a free man.”  No more pretense, no more secrets, no more guilt in sexual expressions, and no more fear in demonstrating love. Freedom is my master and free is what I will always be.  

Now, I wish I could be the Moses of all the oppressed homosexuals in the world, and lead them out of the dark, shadows of the closet and into the bright, sunshine of freedom. However, I understand the social bars that limit freedoms for homosexuals, for I also have encountered being captured in the prison of fear. I can only pray for the day when all homosexuals will have the courage to say to the world, “I am who I am,” and regardless of the consequences, I will live my life as a free person. 

There is not an out-of-the-closet homosexual American who has not experienced prejudice accompanied with discrimination. We have grown accustomed to being called degrading slur words used by a straight society. We have learned to live with fear because we never know what awaits us around the next corner. We never know when a redneck’s baseball bat is going to find a home against our skull. We never know when a fellow employee is going to expose our sexuality in an attempt to get us fired. We never know when someone is going to accuse us of some false sexual activity that will ruin our reputation.  We never know when we are going to return home and find a note on our door that demands we move, because gays are no longer welcome in the housing project or the apartment complex. 

Even though we live with fear, we have allowed fear to become our teacher, and we learn from what we fear the most. Even in fear, the Pope announced equality for all homosexuals. This will go down in history as one of the most important endorsements the world has ever encountered regarding the rights of minorities. 

Although this changes the subject somewhat, this is a required discussion.  It would be well for Amy Coney Barrett to know that homosexuality is not a preference. Ignorance astounds me for it is hard to believe that Republicans are going to appoint a Supreme Court Justice to a lifetime position with such limited knowledge. It is even more surprising that in the 21^st Century how little a so-called educated person knows about homosexuality. If homosexuality was a choice no person in their right mind would choose to be something that carries so many negative characteristics in a heterosexual dominated society. 

Like so many other human characteristics, sexuality is established at conception. It causes one to wonder how any individual could obtain even a four year college degree without acquiring that knowledge. This is further proof that ignorance within governmental officials causes social turbulence. Understanding minorities is required for any government in order to establish peace, and when laws are passed that discriminate social unrest occurs. These are hard lessons that American governmental officials have failed to learn, and as a result, have placed the entire United States, as a nation, in jeopardy.  

In conclusion, of all the fears that existed in my previous life, what I am now, I owe to being homosexual. I have found happiness and I have found love. I am surrounded by good friends and I am enjoying a retirement that at one time I thought was impossible.  What time I have left on this earth I dedicate to being a witness of encouragement to other homosexuals to be proud of whom they are. To a gay, man, women, boy or girl; you are a child of God and God made you the way you are for a purpose. When you fulfill that purpose happiness will flow like a mighty stream and joy will flood like a prodigious river.